[ElleJ]

So like it says in the title I am new to this forum. I have been writing a Blog for the past 10 months (more or less) and I'm getting pretty good feedback but it is mostly from people I know who I think feel obliged to tell me it's good so I wanted to open it up to a wider audience of critics and hopefully pick up some hints, tips & advice along the way.

This is one of my entries:

I Made That

Do you ever have a moment when you suddenly feel like a mum. I know I am a mum but occasionally I have 'Mummy moments' where it hits me that I actually am a real proper mum an not just filling in for someone Today, for instance, Baby B (who incidentally shall now be renamed Boddler B as she's fast becoming a little lady) and I where walking up to our house from the road and instead of being in my arms as usual she was walking, yes actual walking, holding my hand and I had a flash of pride and an overwhelming feeling of being a mummy. Please tell me you know what I mean? that when you do those little things that only mum's do like lick your finger to wipe snot and banana off their faces (I think I'm becoming my own mum!), or hold their hands while they walk that you get a nice warm feeling just knowing that you made them.

With Boddler B being a big one year old now I'm starting to see my, erm, wisdom transferring onto her. When I hear her little voice trying to say a new word or see her pure concentration when she tries to take another step or when I ask her where her nose is and she actually shows me I feel an overwhelming sense of pride and I'll admit I may shed a tear or two. I am her mum and I taught her those things, gosh I'm clever. Before I had Boddler B the best thing I ever made was quite frankly a mess and now I have made this little perfect being who knows where her head and nose are, I am clearly destined for great things if I can achieve this. Sometimes when we're in a supermarket and I see a kind old lady smile at her while squeezing the potatoes in the veg aisle, by the way why do people squeeze potatoes, aren't they just always hard?, I want to shout "I made that....see that gorgeous perfect girl you're smiling at, I made her, yes me!" and to be honest I wouldn't surprise myself If I actually did say it one day....

However, while I am busy singing my own praises for being the most amazing mother that ever lived (did you not see that Boddler B knows where her nose is?) I realised that she is busy teaching me, as one of my favourite quotes goes "while we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about" and never a truer word is spoken.

All feedback is more than welcome. Thanks for reading.

A slighty nervous Elle J x

[wrylilt]

Thanks for sharing! I'm not sure exactly how in depth you'd like your piece analyzed so I'll just say the basics I saw at first glance:

Your first paragraph tries a little too hard. You need to let the reader grasp one idea before moving onto the next. The first paragraph might work well as two paragraphs - one about the little parts of being a mother and the second about different ways your baby girl makes you feel that way.

The second paragraph is much better - you let your inner writer out in a witty and rather enticing way. You do lose a bit of the enticement with the thrown in potato comment I believe. It's great that you let your thoughts flow onto paper so easily but you need to work from the perspective of the reader. You may understand the connections but your reader may not.

Your grammar needs a bit of polishing but English grammar is never easy, as we all know.

Remember however - if your blog is about babies then chances are that your readers are more interested in content than in how good of a writer you are. I've seen much worse posts in a lot of blogs. Keep up the good work!

This post has been edited by wrylilt: 02 August 2010 - 05:48 AM

[ElleJ]

Thank you for replying.

I wanted to try and keep the tone of the blog quite conversational but I now see that it can maybe come across as a bit random.

I would really like it if you could read the rest of my work and give me some thoughts? It is online at http://mummyrules.blogspot.com/

Thanks again!